restaurant review

I want to talk again about how much I dislike Bar Tabac. Last night I gave it a third try and I still don't like it. Start with the service. Well first of all the place where you wait for a table is entirely filled by a foosball table, which is just so stupid I won't even mention it. So then you sit down and before your coats are off you're asked about drinks, which aren't on the menu. You ask for water and you get that stupid "still, sparkling or tap?" crap. That is always so unclassy to me. If I want fucking mineral water I know it and I'll jolly well say so. It's exactly like saying "you want fries with that?" It's classic "up-selling" and it belongs only in franchise operations like Macaroni Grill where the employees have orientation at Corporate and have to follow this three-ring binder "associates manual" that has pages where "SMILE" is some goddamn mnemonic acronym for like "selling, motivating, ingratiating, lick-ass, emesis" or something. Ew ew ew. The worst is when the bottle of water is already cluttering up your table as if it were free but it's really $11 and you have to actively be all "no thanks, I'm cheap, send it away!" So I'm ordering wine, I want red wine, and he's all "what type of experience are you looking for in a wine?" and I'm like "oh, watching you get reamed up the ass, actually" and he's all OK then, you want a blah di blah, which I know is expensive just from looking at him but I'm not going to be all niggly about "how much is that one? and that one? and that one?" How hard is it just to print up a damn beverage card? After dinner my friend wanted an Armagnac so he had to listen to this dude go on about those, only to have him come back and be like "we're out of the more 'budget' Armagnacs, all we have is a very nice one for $21...would you consider that?" And he's all, "uh, no." And I'm thinking, dang that stuff must be syrup by now, how long has that been sitting behind the bar keeping warm by some decorative votive candle? What are they doing with a $21 glass of Armagnac, who do they think is going to drink that here at a "bistro" with a freakin foosball table in it?

So then we're ordering food. Armagnac friend says: "I'm trying to decide between the tuna and the hanger steak." And the waiter says "well how hungry are you?" and friend says "Quite." What kind of question is that, anyway? Is there no other relevant difference between the dishes? So he says "have the tuna." I get the hanger steak. When the food comes, the tuna is actually less food, it's much lighter. Later we try to theorize on what the waiter heard instead of "quite." "Light?" "How hungry are you?" "Light." That makes no sense. Or maybe he was supposed to say "very." Semantically speaking I don't think very is actually more extreme than quite. Across the table, another person already knows he wants to have tuna. "And how would you like that done, sir?" "Uh, what? Well, as done as can be?" "Oh dear god no! You don't want to overcook it! You can only get it rare or medium rare! You've just killed a baby!" Fine, if this primadonna chef in this "casual bistro" where by the way the tuna is $17.95, thinks it should be cooked a certain way, he should just do so. Show some confidence. Put "seared rare ahi steak" on the menu like a normal person. Then we're asked what doneness we want for our hanger steaks, which really makes not a lot of difference when you're talking about a thin cut like that. I ask for medium and it comes with burnt crisp edges, whatever. It's supposed to have shallot sauce, but who knows what it's swimming in, it's like a stew. It comes with "mushroom risotto" which tastes like yesterday's grits with velveeta mixed in. It's cold and thin like a gruel. The baby gets bow-tie pasta with tomato sauce. She barely touches it, which we put down to weird vagaries of being a baby. But then some of us are still "quite" hungry after our little meals so we decide to eat it. Apparently Chef Boyardee has launched a canned bow-tie pasta. Mush and sugar and boy was it nasty. It reminded me of "how do we know dog food tastes good, they can't tell us!" Because the baby can't quite talk yet. Her mom's shell steak was none too good either, I had some of that. And the salad with it had been overdressed sometime long before.

Basically what I'm saying is, I hate up-selling. I hate being made to feel declasse. I hate pretension and I hate obsequiousness. I went to this other place, in Greenwich, "Valbella!" which supposedly Regis Philbin loves. The food was indeed good but the waiter was terrible. He was not all that competent but made up for it with fawning; every two seconds he was calling my mom (who is 72) "beautiful young lady" "and for the young girl?" "my precious?" "she in whose honor I presume to draw each humble breath?" it was embarrassing.

People razz me, they say "Kathy, why you gotta hate? Is there anything you like?" Shockingly enough, the answer is yes. I love cute dogs and cute boys. I enjoyed eating out last night because of the company. I enjoyed the food at "Valbella!" On Tuesday I even had a great meal at Sidewalk Cafe on Avenue A, if you can believe it. Lemon chicken with garlic-wilted spinach and wasabi mashed potatoes topped with caramelized onions. They let you choose your side dishes, like at Boston Market! Except they're good. The spinach was not frozen or unwashed. The potatoes were real, I think, and the wasabi had a light touch. The sauce did not cover the entire plate. The waiter was good too, he could remember what kind of beer you were drinking and would make eye contact with you when he went by, in case you might need something. Unlike at Lil Frankie's last week, where the staff's avoidance of eye contact actually reached comedic levels. There were too many customers for the number of staff. Food was good though. I love Max in the East Village. Their lamb ragu is so amazing. They probably use an obscene amount of butter. The meatloaf stuffed with cheese is also very good. Don't go for the chicken cutlet because it's like a frozen Weaver cutlet sitting on top of a wilted soggy salad. With diced tomatoes on top so the cutlet gets wilted too. It sits there like a landmine on the menu. Gramercy Tavern is amazing, make your parents take you there. There's like one waiter for each diner but you don't feel smothered. The food is revelatory. I would eat raw eyeballs if they told me to, and it would be good.

Gee I feel super after getting this all off my chest. Who wants to go out to dinner?

viceland

I have this friend who really likes both Vice Magazine and Us Weekly. I have to say I can't get entirely into either of them. But then I found an issue of Vice which is like this hommage(?) To Us, and I am hooked. Go and look at it. That's where I'm spending my free time today.

New Orleans report

Ah, hello there. I'm enjoying pretending that I'm still on vacation. In fact I got back last Wednesday night. New Orleans was just about as much fun as I'm capable of having. Lots of people were there for this wedding and I think we all got along fine. I ate oysters every day, which was probably going too far. If I wasn't eating raw oysters I was eating fried ones. I am still on the fence as to whether I think po-boy sandwiches are delicious. However I unequivocally recommend muffaletta sandwiches. Sure, on paper they sound just like the typical "italian sub" we have in New York. Salami, provolone, ham... But the difference, especially at Central Grocery, is the bread and the relish. It's these mixed olives in oil with cauliflower and who knows whatall else. The sandwiches are so popular that you sort of can't order anything else there. You walk in and say "whole" or "half" and they hand it to you already wrapped. Hmm, also, boudin is delicious. I had it in my mind that it was more like a haggis (ie gross organ meats) but actually it's not at all slimy.

I guess I'm talking about food too much. I also went to Preservation Hall, that famous bastion of "dixieland jazz." The deal there is, you wait outside for a half hour or so, then pay $8 and go in and watch music (if you're tall enough to see anything) for 40 minute sets with 15 minute breaks in between. Lots of people had seen enough after the first set, apparently, and there were more people in the line to replace them. There are a few seats in the front, on the floor and on benches, but you would have to be first on line to get those. My aging feet hurt too much from walking around all day to really stand there all night. I tried sitting in the hall outside just to hear the music, but it was 40 degrees out there. A lot of stuff in NOLA is outside or semi-outside. I guess 30 and 40 degrees is quite unusual for them. During the day it was more like 60, which was quite nice.

There's more to New Orleans than the tourist areas, I'm sure, but boy were the parts I saw touristy. Tourists everywhere. At one point I postulated that they were actually not tourists, I just thought they were tourists because they're the type of people I see touring around Herald Square, and in fact New Orleans was actually their home; perhaps New Orleanians make up the bulk of NYC tourists. But I suppose this isn't the case, which begs the question, "where do the tourists come from?" I have to say that there is certainly a Disney-esque quality to the place. You sort of expect the Country Bear Jamboree to roll out of a doorway at any moment and animatronically chime the hour. I went to the Museum of Southern Art and tried to do some of the audio tour. It was blah but at one point the narrator said something like "New Orleans is one of the only cities that has retained its urban character and essential flavor without becoming a parody or a theme-park version of itself." Whaat? My friend and I had just gotten done saying to each other for the 100th time that it was like a theme park. If that's not one, where is? My own home city? Fuhgeddaboutit! Does New York seem like a parody of itself to outsiders? Discuss.

New Orleans

I'm going to New Orleans on Friday for an extra long weekend, it's practically a week actually. Can you readers give me some ideas about what to do there? I'll be part of a wedding group and making decisions by committee, but on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning I'll be there all alone. Well like what restaurants (cheap) are good, what bars, what sightseeing destinations?

trivia report

I'm still getting used to blogspot, it's weird here. I'm used to reading other people's blogs that look like this, and suddenly mine does too? I feel like I am the new exchange student who's just arrived at the host family's house and have been shown my room and told to make myself at home and I have this rising excitement and fear. I get this feeling all the time. Which is odd because it feels like a real memory and yet I was never a foreign exchange student!

Well, last night was the monthly trivia night at Buttermilk bar. To celebrate the first anniversary, the entry fee was $30 per team but those who placed 1st 2nd and 3rd all got some money, and they gave pitchers of beer to 5 teams who scored well on the bonus round, and gift certificates at a record store to 3(?) individuals who were drawn in a raffle, and goodie bags to 3 more people. Or did 3rd place just get bronze medals? I saw two Neuticles wearing medals as I was leaving. I am fuzzy on all these details. My team was called "New Lease" in celebration of one of our number moving back to NYC and signing a lease yesterday. The team of my affiliates was called "Meat Endures," a homophone of "Meet Indoors," which seemed amusing at the time. Maybe we should give more thought to the team names before we are actually standing there having to sign ourselves up. I envy the Neuticles who always have the same name and the same people. We had 8 people and had to draw ones and twos from out of a hat, and then decide the team names and then which team got which name while meanwhile the games were beginning. It was great luck that we had 8 people show up, since there is the 4-person team limit in place. The bonus round was a doozy, it was 20 questions long. And all of them were questions that had been in the quiz during the past year. Nearly all of them were things we had gotten wrong and hoped we'd never have to think about again, like "How many miles long is Long Island?" (110) and "How many medals did the US get in the 2004 Olympics?" (103). Those at least were multiple choice. Oh it was maddening. However since we had so loyally shown up all year, New Lease, Meat Endures, and the Neuticles all got enough correct answers to win beer. As for the main body of questions, they were tough but fair. Ooh except one about the time difference between New York and Moscow, which didn't specify if we were in daylight savings time or not. Doesn't that count? We didn't quibble though, since we didn't really know the answer even though our guess was off by only an hour. But maybe we should have, since New Lease was one point away from tying for 3rd with 3 other teams. I guess that made us 6th place. Meat Endures was two points behind that. For some reason there were only 25 questions instead of the usual 50, so it was over early enough for us to actually stay and drink the beer prizes and enjoy ourselves. It even started on time! I was impressed. However for some reason I ended staying out later than I ever have. Oh well.

obsessive

Greetings! You may not have noticed, but for the past few days my new posting has been confined to adding more and more celebrities to the sightings list. This reminds me of sixth grade, when Mrs. Shays(!) had us write for an hour a day, and practically the whole year I obsessively kept writing my book on Summer Camp. She would keep trying me to start something new but I could not stop talking about summer camp. I would write the story on every other line of the paper, and when I had some text to insert I would write it in the lines that had been blank, sometimes for pages at a time. I found it perfectly legible but it drove her up the wall. I was such a little Outsider Artist! I loved camp because I had friends there and no parents, and nonstop activities. Thinking about camp helped me get through the rest of the year. Is thinking about celebrities helping me get through the hardships of living in New York?

brushes with fame

I the spirit of Gawker Stalker, only even more pathetic and possibly more humorous, I want to list here all the celebrity sightings I've ever had in my life. I will add yours too if you want.
Passed Chris Noth on 6th Ave near 59th.
Passed John C. McGinley from "Scrubs" up by the Polo Store.
Watched Elizabeth Rohm's (Serena on Law & Order) nanny feed baby an avocado while show was filming in Madison Square Park.
Sam Waterston attended ex-boyfriend's sister's wedding. (I was there too.)
Passed Beck on 41st St. At first, thought he was Nils. He stared at my white swiss miss hat.
I swear I saw Lizzie Grubman crossing Broadway and 34th.
Sat in same room as Samm Levine (Neal on Freaks & Geeks) while watching standup comedy on Upper West Side.
See Eugene Mirman, standup comedian, nearly every time I go to 5th Ave in Park Slope.
See Tom Verlaine nearly every time I go to therapy, since he lives near there.
Stephen Malkmus was forced to make eye contact with me in order to interrupt my conversation with someone.
Hung out on basement floor with Wendy Stanzler, editor on "Sex in the City."
Learned Mah-Jong from assistant fashion stylist on "Sex in the City."
Another ex-boyfriend was babysat by David Fair of Half Japanese. I shook hands with Jad Fair.
Saw Laurie Anderson, David Byrne and Lou Reed at art opening.
Consistently fail to notice presence of Chloe Sevigny at rock shows and parties where she is present.
A boy at my parents' church used to date Natalie Portman.
Saw Gregory Hines on Lower Broadway yelling up to be let into a building.
One time my mom followed Fred Astaire down the street.
She also met Duke Ellington and he gave her concert tickets and then she and her family were in a New York Times photo of the concert.
My dad tried to impersonate a fireman on "To Tell the Truth."
He was also chums with I.M. Pei's uncle.
My brother is buddies with Mike Fincke, who lived on the International Space Station.
Played pool with Jon Fishman of Phish. He was pretty good.
Saw U2 giving concert on flatbed truck going down 7th Ave.
Saw Michael Kors and models on flatbed truck going down Broadway.
Saw Alek Wek coming from Michael Kors trunk show.
Sat near Bill Beutel (or was it Bill Boggs?) having lunch at Aquavit.
Saw Ron Howard playing with his children in the park in my hometown.
Watched Ethan Hawke push his child on the swings and monkey around with the other kids in Union Square Park.
Lived a few doors down from Kate Moss. She had an amazing roof garden which no one ever used.
Helped cat-sit for Martha Plimpton. (I didn't meet her...sorry Martha, I swear I didn't go through your things, and I didn't have your housekey.)
Met Sara Gilbert (Darlene on "Roseanne") in my freshman dorm.
Met Lecy Goranson (Becky on "Roseanne") at the International Bar.
Passed Bjork coming out of Barnes and Noble Union Square.
Wrote Chuck Klosterman an email about his Esquire article about friendster, got an email back.
A couple I fell in love with during my short time in DC was recently discussed in a travel feature in Budget Living!
Shook hands with Seamus Heaney.
Chatted with Steve Reich about how I was setting up to tape his presentation.
Took a course with David Schiff.
Lindsay Brien from Real World Seattle (now of CNN) was in a small film class that I showed clips for. I sat near her a lot.
Drank beer with and got hit on by Dr. Demento.
Met Uncle Junior's doctor on The Sopranos at a bar.
Talked to a guy in a bar for a while and found out he'd been in a Hershey's commercial. Would rather he had asked for my number.
A girl in my high school was part of the "Gitano Family" ad campaign. They weren't really family! Scandal!
At the Aspen Animal Shelter I walked a husky who had just shot a Jones New York ad campaign with Claudia Schiffer.
Michael Stipe sat on the other end of a pool table from me at the "Tranny Shack" show in San Francisco.
I saw singer Rebecca Gates in the aisle at Kienow's supermarket.
I know Zelda the dog, who was on the cover of The Onion.
I had a date with Don Wood of PBS's "Colonial House."
I met Scott Morgan from The Rationals in Ann Arbor.
I have seen Iggy Pop's high school yearbook photos.
Shook hands with Davie Allan, surf guitar legend.
Saw John Flansburgh walking down Sixth with strangely shaped instrument cases.
Saw Stephin Merritt outside movie theater on 3rd Ave.
Went to novelist Andrew Sean Greer's Halloween party.
I knew the two cute girls on the cover of Team Dresch's album "Personal Best."
We were also friends with Jo from Le Tigre. God, I used to be so cool!
Moby was the DJ at the teenage goth "nightclub" at the Episcopal church in my hometown. You could get in free if you went to the bible study beforehand.
I saw Ted Kennedy at an auction in Nantucket.
I once hugged Sleepy LaBeef.
Congressman Christopher Shays' wife was my sixth grade teacher.
I went to school with the daughter of WNET chairman Bill Baker.
I passed Isabella Rossellini on the Upper West Side, walking with a beautiful teenage boy on rollerblades. She is even more beautiful in person.
Followed Chief Justice William Rehnquist (and his secret service) around exhibit of Presidential artifacts at the Museum of American History (before opening hours).
James Gandolfini at the Ear Inn.
Sat next to Yo La Tengo outside the Ear Inn (different visit).
At BAM Harvey, Phillip Seymour Hoffmann, Lauren Bacall, and Martha Stewart were sitting in the same row in the audience!
I saw my first internet date on the way to meet my last internet date. The augury inherent in the event is one of the many reasons why I have not had another interdate.
In 3rd grade, I was quoted in my hometown paper as saying "I don't like big rooms," because, um, my school was closing and the new school had an "open space" design with 4 classes in one big room. Even then I thought I came off sounding dumb.
In 10th or 11th grade, I was pictured in my hometown paper holding a "No Nukes" sign. I don't think it gave my name.
There is an out of print CD (that I don't own) of a concert in which I sang a song. (uncredited.)
I took a photo of a band that was printed in The Rocket. However the photo was misattributed to the author of the article.
I was quoted (no name given) in the New York Press as saying "I'm dressed as a child, if that helps," in an article about the cancelled spelling bee at Freddy's Bar. The author asserted that I was wearing "flood pants," when in fact as we all know they are Angus Young shorts.
There is audio of me (uncredited) talking about "futilism" as a viable life strategy , and misspelling the word "sacrilegious" on NPR's "The Next Big Thing."
Clearly I am overdue for some (credited) public recognition!

seeking escorts for...

Venice
Berlin
Savannah, GA long weekend
Cross-country skiiing
Mina Bangladeshi Restaurant Angon on the Sixth, 320 E. 6th St. (chef's new place).
Union Square Cafe
Eating It comedy night
Trivia at Buttermilk Bar
Whitney Museum (I get in free "plus one")
MOMA (free on Fridays 4-8)
Christo "The Gates" (mid-Feb)
The Armory Art Show (March 11-14)

first entry

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