product review: gooey moisture socks

Well ever since seeing in Lucky magazine that Shoshanna Lonstein uses this product, I have been curious about the Bliss Spa moisture socks, which are impregnated with a mineral oil gel and effortlessly moisturize your feet overnight. I don't want to deal with foot baths and pedicures and so on. But as I get older, my feet get dryer and dryer. Last night I was wandering down 5th Avenue when I saw that Bath and Body Works has launched a skincare line from CO Bigelow Apothecary. I said "what the?" and walked in. They are making a big splash. It seems like Bigelow's is going head to head with Kiehl's, which is now owned by L'Oreal. L'Oreal has Lancome, L'Oreal, Maybelline, and now Kiehl's. The Limited has Henri Bendel, Limited, Express, Victoria's Secret, Bath and Body Works, and now Bigelow's? Though Bigelow's is still independent, they just have a distribution deal with BBW. My second cousin-in-law is a chemist at L'Oreal and after talking to him I became even more skeptical about just what these "different" brands are offering. It seems like all that differentiates them is price point and market targets, not the merchandise itself.

Which brings me back to the socks. Looking across that overpoweringly scented shop, I spied the Bliss moisture socks I'd been wanting. I thought what the hell I'd get them but after careful scrutiny I realized they were knockoffs. Knockoff Bliss products? They have the same font, same color, same styling, everything. But the True Blue Spa socks were $10 cheaper. ($38, by the way! but they're reusable indefinitely.) I was really puzzled about what to do. After all, it's a silly pampering item anyway...scrimping on pampering just seems like a contradiction in terms. And for $38, it had better be good! I mean, only $10 more and I could have the best? But I decided since I was already holding it in my hand and seemingly in a buying mood, I would just get it. I planned to wear them overnight but by 9 pm my feet were already feeling dry and cracked, just crying out to me for the gel socks. So I put them on for three hours. At first they were super cold and clammy. Then it started to heat up in there and activate the moisture oils and lavender scent. At the end it was really hot in there and sweaty, so I took them off. If I'd been asleep it wouldn't have mattered. Afterward I could definitely feel the presence of oil on my feet. But could I have just put oil on my feet instead? I think that the heat really helps it penetrate. When I had my facial they put heated mittens on over hand lotion and had me sit there and bake. But that could have just been gimmickry too! To make me feel like my $65 was going somewhere. I don't know what to believe. I notice that Conair has come out with a heated lotion dispenser, going along the same principle. That sounds gross to me. Most lotion will separate under heated conditions, I think. But you know the real purpose of the product is to improve hand jobs and masturbation anyway. Which makes the product just doubly creepy.

The Verdict: moisture socks are of unknown efficacy at this time, will require further trials.